Believe us when we say that the Texas metropolis of Houston is far more than the sum of its weather forecast. Located not far from the coast, Houston is now the fourth-largest metro area in the country. Today, Houston’s status as home to big oil, big space, big hair and even bigger plates of brisket makes it both a delicious and prosperous (if frizzy) place to live.
Only Houston natives know these facts are true
1. No habla inglés? No big deal. Locals speak some 145 languages in the Houston area, so you’ll feel right at home in this most ethnically diverse area in the entire country. That’s right, New York. Houston wins that trophy. Deal with it.
2. Don’t think of Houston as being particularly hip? Beyonce (that’s Queen Bey to you) grew up in the city’s Third Ward. Enough said.
3. While we’re on the subject, they’re not neighborhoods, they’re wards. Feel free to stand out in other ways, but fall in line with this one, or else.
4. Get the hair product ready. In fact, just go ahead and resign yourself to a messy bun for the whole month of September. No amount of product or styling tools fight that level of humidity, and there’s no point trying.
5. But, your skin will be dewy and soft year-round thanks to said humidity, so there’s that. BTW, “dewy and soft” is Houston for “glistening with a thick-to-thin sheen of sweat.”
6. We still love NASA, even if the Florida city of Tampa was their original first choice. They got the first date, but Houston got the ring.
7. Say “Houston, we have a problem” to a local and see what happens. But, warn others first so they can get popcorn and watch the dressing down.
8. No self-respecting Houston local visits Space Center Houston. It’s cool and vital to the economy and blah, blah, blah, but it’s strictly for field trip groups and tourists. Although you’ll probably end up there at least once with out-of-town guests.
9. Mutton bustin’ is a thing, and we don’t apologize for it. How else are little kids supposed to learn bull riding, if not on the backs of comparatively harmless sheep?
10. Once the 8th Wonder of the World, the Astrodome is now a glorified storage space. To the tune of $400,000 a year in maintenance/insurance. Because, why not?
11. Spring is where it’s at in Houston, thanks to the profusely blooming azaleas and mild 70-degree temperatures. Enjoy it for the whole two and a half weeks it lasts.
12. Sure, the Astros cause us occasional grief and massive, widespread controversy, but we still love them. Even if “The Sign” by Ace of Base is still triggering.
13. The Big Bubble isn’t the weirdest thing in Houston, but sometimes, it feels that way.
14. You definitely want in the Loop. Out of the Loop doesn’t even begin to count.
15. Although, if you want to pay less, have more property and don’t mind suffering through a heinous daily commute, then out of the Loop is just fine and dandy, too.
16. All hail fried chicken from Frenchy’s! Forget those other “chicken sandwich wars” chains. Houston peeps know where the real chicken’s at, and they can even get it on Sundays if they want.
17. But, you can’t buy Limburger cheese on Sundays in H-Town. Not many people try to buy the Fromage that smells of stinky feet anyway, but if they do, they aren’t supposed to get away with it, per some really old law that no one enforces.
18. Talk trash about the Astros or the Texans all you want, but don’t even think about bashing Sam Houston.
19. You can, however, bash the Oilers because they went to Tennessee and are now the Titans and that’s big-time infuriating.
20. Buddy, the H-E-B mascot, is quite possibly the most popular one in the state, and we include Bevo in that. If you’re good with Buddy, you’re good with life.
21. No snow? No problem. Make pollen angels, instead.
22. Hong Kong Food Market is the place for adventurous foodies. Also, some occasional upset stomachs, but by God, it’s worth it.
23. The highways have about 24 different nicknames each. Familiarize yourself with all of them, or risk certain peril. Or, an accidental trip to Mexico.
24. In Houston, we get together to watch bats fly around. It’s weird, but we own it and make no apologies. Join in, or get shunned.
25. Air-conditioning is a necessity, not an option. If you wanna survive, anyway.
26. Houstonians might get knocked down by the occasional devastating natural disaster, but they always get back up. If nothing else, Texans know how to fight.
27. Everyone else just went Buc-ee’s crazy, but Houston folks are seasoned jerky shoppers at this point.
28. Going only 20 miles over the speed limit? Go faster, Grandma. Even the Texas State Trooper is rolling his eyes at you.
29. “Luv Ya Blue” has nothing to do with baseball umpires and no one better try to claim it.
30. No matter how much of a mustache-greasing hipster you are, somewhere in the back of your closet is a cowboy hat. Possibly boots.
31. Any amount of time lost wandering through underground tunnels is worth it to avoid the heat.
32. But, you never complain about the heat to a tourist/visitor/new resident. They must always believe that Texans are impervious to the climate, and that they, in turn, are wimps.
Houston facts don’t lie
Southeast Texas isn’t for the faint of heart, and people who live in Houston know it. If you find an apartment in Houston and come in with the right attitude, they’ll welcome you with open arms. In theory, of course. Everyone’s too sweaty to hug.
